Oh so funny - terribly funny...

First of all - the site, here, is not safe for work.

In fact, it might not be safe for anyone without a rather sick and twisted sense of humour to read.

It's a terrible joke site where absolutly NOTHING is sacred. It specialises in bad jokes. They will offend you.

But some of them will have you in tears, laughing.

But if you go there - it's at your own peril. But feel free to post some good ones :)
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I've thought long and hard, and have decided on my New Year's resolution.

1024×768.

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An elderly British gentleman of 83 arrived in Berlin by plane.
At the German immigration desk, the man took a few minutes to locate his passport in his carry-on bag.
"You have been to Berlin before, sir?" the Immigration officer asked, sarcastically.
The elderly gentleman admitted he had been to Germany previously.
"Then you should know well enough to have your passport ready."
The British gentleman says, "The last time I was here, I didn't have to show it."
"Impossible. The British always have to show their passports on arrival in Germany!"
The elderly gentleman gave the German Immigration Officer a long hard look.
Then he quietly explained;
"Well, the last time I was here, I wasn't here long. And...we didn't land."

Stealing from those who saved...

Lets imagine if you will, an old lady. Lets call her Doris.

Doris worked hard for years, putting away a little money so when she retired she could afford a pension. In her twilight years she finaly retired with £100,000 in investments.

Now, assuming she she had investments that tracked the base rate of interest (rather then, say, the stock market!!) a year ago she would have got about 5% on that, so a modest £5,000. Enough to live on, with prudence and a state pension - that is, if she qualifies for it, with all the means testing...

Yesterday she would have been getting £1500 a year - which isn't much. I very much doubt it's possible to live on £30 a week in the uk. Fuel bills and council tax alone...

And today? Why, today the bank of England dropped interest rates again, to their lowest EVER recorded figure in the history of the bank of England. They now stand at 1%. Cutting our Doris' interest by 33%.

The real question then really is - at this rate, is saving for pension in the UK actualy worth the effort?

And what can our Doris do now??

I hate being ill

But then, don't we all?

One of the few upsides its that it gives you a chance to get back on track of minor tasks you've allowed to languish. One of these was converting some audio files I have. One of these happens to reference a hymn - "Abide with me".

Which reminded me of a question people ask me sometimes "How can you sing so may hymns [in the choir] if you're not a Christian?"

Well, the answer is simple - in terms of music, the devil really doesn't have all the best tunes.

Abide with me. Amazing grace. Those two everyone should know. Sung the right way they can bring tears to the eyes.

True, so can a lot of secular music - but the Christians have a long musical tradition. Bach, Mozart - pick a great classical composer and the odds are you can link them to a Church.

While performers regularly abuse great music - everyone now and again you hear it done right. Not often, but when you do it can sound beautiful.

(Side issue - Amazing Grace being a favourite for abuse. I can't remember the last time I heard a soloist who didn't rip it to shreds. Sometimes simplicity really is more!)

But the question I ask in return is how can people prefer something like this..



To this...

Real Names

As you've probably noticed, I don't like names on the blog. I try to never refer to anyone by a real name. When I need an identifier - I pick something that won't identify people.

It's fine for people to identify themselves, but naming others - I have a thing about it.

So please, in the comments don't?

I've deleted one comment today because of it. I'm not going to go through the archive of comments though.

It's not me being a nasty meanie.

Well, no more then usual...

Weird Dreams

We've all had weird dreams - falling, dreaming of sleeping, dreaming of worlds where the dead walk and the streets are flooded with the blood of innocents.

Ok, alright, those last two might only be me...

Still, this one - this one deserves special mention. For you see, last night I dreamed I was having a bath. A bath isn't something I usually do - mainly because years ago mother ripped out the bath and replaced it with just a shower - so there was nothing prompting this.

I know, I know - baths aren't that unusual, so why is it weird?

Have you ever had a bath in a non-Newtonian fluid?

Neither have I...although I've now dreamt about it.

But now I want to know - what would it be like....

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And yes, as mentioned by someone in the office, the easiest and cheapest non-newtonian fluid is really, REALLY thick custard. So thick that if you hit it with a spoon, it bounces.

But if you rest a finger on it gently it sinks straight though...

Have a look here.

Once again, the labout government has gone completely potty. He's the first paragraph...

All UK homes should have access to broadband and faster download speeds by 2012, the government has said.

Right then - this looks perfectly reasonable, doesn't it? Or....naybe not...

Now, on the face of it, this seems sensible. After all, a decent net connection is something a geek like me should be shouting for, right?

Well - no. Why not?

Meet grandmother. She has a computer that we maintain for her, on which she does a little. Perhaps once or twice a month it's dusted.

She doesn't want the internet. She doesn't need it.

I don't want her to have the internet - because once "adaquate" protection is installed on it - fire wall, virus scanner, adware scanner - it won't be hugely more useful then a paperweight.

Remember, I'm all for the internet and technology. But I'm totaly against a top down, govenment driven target for everyone to have broadband by *some date*. Because to use broadband, you need a computer - who's going to pay for that...?

Another quote.

The report also looked at the issue of internet piracy. Mr Burnham said the government would look at setting up a new digital rights agency and wanted to introduce legislation requiring internet service providers to notify illegal file-sharers directly about their activity.

So after using govenment funding (read: our taxes) to force everyone to have broadband, they now want a new govenment agency to monitor what everybody looks at. Funded by...well...have a guess...

Right now we have a problem with copyright theft, corpyright law and what people think, do and say.

But the solution to that is not a whole new enforcement agency to stop teeny boppers downloading a music free act, such as Britney Spears.

We have bigger problems. Little things like rape, murder and violence - which I consider to be more important.

O'Barmy

In the UK I've been unable to escape from the coming Messiah. On every news channel, every third second seems dedicated to the man.

To me, this is excessive. I believe that no matter what he does he can never live up to the expectations of change, now that a Black Man is president.

I believe this for a simple reason - the world is not defined by one person. If Hilary had won there would be an equivalent demand for change - because a women had won.

If "that other guy" had won then he would face the same problems as Obama and Hilary. We would still have an economic crisis. We would still be looking at the destruction in Gaza and shaking our heads.

The world would be the Same.

For those who say "But things are different now" - it won't be. People used to say that women in politics would help encourage peace and a less confrontational style.

Well, actually - I still know people who believe that. Despite the evidence of Margret Thatcher and the Falklands war.

It doesn't matter if the leader of a nation is male, female or an underage goat* - what matters is what they do, what they say and what they command.

That I await with interest. But please - some other news? Sometime today??

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*And if you don't like the goat you can curry it. Which makes it distinctly more useful then bush....